and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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