What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
