Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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