just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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