I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
