last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
