The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
