the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
