the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it hurts more in the daytime
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
