Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize