Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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