if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
