Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
