i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
