is your mom at the bar?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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