If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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