is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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