I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
