I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
