I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
