When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
