I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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