He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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