I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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