A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Found the puke drawer
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
