I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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