Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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