I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
