I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
