i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize