Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize