Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
