Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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