Have you finally orgasmed yet?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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