Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
