dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
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