You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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