I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
