i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
