i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
