Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
