We won't sleep together?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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