I wanna bring you to show and tell
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
