Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
