I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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