I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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