She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
