There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
