We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
