Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
