My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I currently don't understand fingers.
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