why didn't you poke me back
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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