tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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