dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
