Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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