I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
