if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
