Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
