I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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