I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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